Lately

Lately I've been feeling a little out of sorts.

It's taken so much .... effort to make this trip to India happen. It took an insane amount of hope as well as a lot of energy and follow-through. First, we had to open ourselves up to the possibility of change and let ourselves believe things could be different, which is actually a remarkably challenging thing to do. Then, we had to make it happen - we had to attend to all the details, including throwing a fundraiser and auction, doing PR, setting up bank accounts, buying airline tickets, arranging for housing, getting shots, getting travel insurance, etc etc etc.

I think my out-of-sorts-ness has to do with managing my expectations now that a lot of the details have been settled. While we are still here at home, I am stuck between wild hope and sneaking fear. I want so badly for the stem cells to help Cash. I want to have reasonable expectations, but I can't help but hope sometimes for an amazing outcome. So I try to squash some of my hope, and sometimes I end up a little afraid - afraid of nothing happening, afraid of causing Cash pain. Once we get on the plane, I think that will all go away - then we can focus on doing the treatment and we can respond to what is actually happening instead of worrying what might happen.

I can't wait to get on the plane December 19th.